what coming out in high school was like for me

I wouldn’t say that I have always been this person that just “knew” that I was gay. I had a lot of boyfriends (or whatever you would call them from the age of 9-15) I don’t think I started having real “gay” thoughts until I was halfway done with my freshman year of high school. It scared me. I didn’t want to be gay, I didn’t want to be different from all of the people around me. So I hid it. I did everything I possibly could to keep the thoughts away. It worked for a long time too.

The thoughts hit me really hard my senior year. I was dating this boy. A perfect boy. A boy that was so smart and so sweet. And I really cared about this boy. But I didn’t love him in the same way that he loved me. I knew that if I couldn’t love him like that, then I would never be able to love with any boy. I knew it was time to face the truth. November 4, 2018. I went to a house party with every intention of telling one of my closest friends the truth. I knew I would have to get drunk to be able to do it, so that is what I did. later that night my friend and I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor to have our normal drunk girl talk. I started crying, not able to get my words out. She told me that anything I had to say wouldn’t matter to her, that she would love me no matter what. so I told her. I told her that I was gay. I will never forget that night, she looked at me with the sweetest look in her eyes. She told me that she didn’t care. She told me that she accepted me and that nothing would ever change between us. That was exactly what I needed to hear at the time. After that night I told all of my close friends about me. None of them cared at all. I was always so scared to come out because I thought that I would lose all of my friends. It was such a relief finally being able to tell people.

A few weeks passed. Still, only my inner circle knew about me. I started talking to this girl from out of town, I had never been so happy. I don’t know what I was expecting. I knew Glasgow was a small town and that words spread fast. But, I never expected it to happen to me. I was outed. A girl that I barely knew found out my secret and she told everyone. I was so scared I didn’t go to school for days. When I finally went to school I noticed that all eyes were on me, it felt like I was walking around naked down my school hallway. Everyone knew my secret. I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready because I was still trying to figure myself out. It wasn’t long before my family found out either. None of them cared, they assured me that nothing has changed and that they also still love me no matter what. But, it was all just too much. My “relationship’ ended up not working out. Which wasn’t a huge shock to me.

I got a few rude comments from people, but there was always someone around to put those people in their place. Eventually, everything started to work out for me. Being out of the closet was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. Not having to constantly lie to the people around me was amazing, and all of my friends were very supportive of me. Still, only the town of Glasgow knew. I play sports, so I traveled a lot. The people I knew through sports still didn’t know so I still had to pretend to be something I wasn’t every once in a while.

I have always felt like having to “come out” was really unfair. None of my friends ever had to sit their parents down and tell them that they liked boys. So why should I have to sit mine down and tell them that I like girls? It all just seemed really extra to me. So I’m kind of grateful for the girl that outed me. I barely had to tell anyone. I just woke up one day and the entire town knew. My only regret is not doing it sooner. If I could go back I would have told my secret the second I started to have the thoughts. Being out and open about myself is amazing. I have never felt happier in my life. I am proud of the person that I am. And that is all that matters.

what my depression did to me

Depression has been a disease that I have dealt with for a very long time now. This mental disorder has had a huge impact on my life. when I was growing up I was never as happy as the kids around me were. I never wanted to participate in all of the group activities with my friends. It hit me the hardest when I became a freshman in high school. It would come and go, some days would be worse than others. My friends could always tell when I would fall into these moods. I would try to joke around and tell them things that would make them less worried about me. I would like to think that it worked but I don’t think it ever did. I missed a lot of school. I probably averaged one “sick” day a week. I would be so deep into my own head that I would lay in my bed all day long. I would stare at my ceiling in complete silence. wouldn’t eat or sleep. Sometimes these moods would last for days.

My depression hit its peak the middle of my senior year. I have always had quite the temper on me, but this year it got 10x worse. The smallest things would set me off. The only way to bring me back down was to hurt myself in someway. It could have been cutting my left arm, or hitting something. My friends were all constantly worried about me. I was skipping school a lot. I started to fall behind in my classes because of it. My teachers knew it too. Everyone knew that there was something wrong with me. I have always been a very secluded person. If anyone reached out I would shut them down and tell them that I was fine. But, I was far from it. I wasn’t sleeping at night, I would wake up from night terrors every single night. I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t even leave my bedroom. I had no energy to pretend to be okay anymore. With the stress of graduating coming up- and my crippling depression- everything seemed so pointless to me. I tried to fix all of these problems in the worst way possible. I started to wild out. Party all the time. For awhile it worked too. But my depression caught up to me again. Even worse than before. The pain became so unbearable I didn’t think it would ever go away. April 18 I hit my all time low. I felt like I had nothing left to live for. I loved my friends and my family. But I didn’t love myself, and I hadn’t for a very long time. So I did it. I tried to take my own life. I know it might not make sense to anyone else. But I feel like that cured me. It made me realize how many people I had that cared about me. All the people that wanted so badly for me to succeed. I realized that there really is a bright future for myself. And that is an answer I have been looking for for a very long time.

Chasing dreams

Everything seems so dark and little in this small town. I see kids graduate and come right back here. Adults that are trapped here. Yes, some people might actually like it here- The small community, knowing that everyone has your back- it’s a good place to raise a family at. I have never seen a town with as much school spirit as we do. A place so dedicated to the color red because “Go Scotties” Every town around us knows what we are about. Glasgow is known for its parties. Every weekend there is a party full of underage kids. That’s high school right? Kids are going to get trashed. Be irresponsible. We learn from our mistakes. I know I have, I let myself fall into this pit of darkness that I am so desperate to dig myself out of. I am only 18 years old, I want to see the world. I want to go to college and play softball. I want to go to an even bigger college after that and earn myself a degree in English. I want to be a publisher, and maybe even a writer if I become good enough at it. I have so many goals for myself, and I have every intention of achieving them. But, my dreams are too big for this little town. And it’s time I start thinking of myself and chasing them.

To Adam:

Adam,

I met you at only 7 years old. I remember every detail from that day. You me and mom had a movie night in your crappy little house in Billings. You let little 7 year old me watch a rated R movie and you had to frequently cover my eyes while mom covered my ears for all of the inappropriate parts. (so every 5 minutes) After that night I knew that we would become the best of friends. I was always so happy when you were around. shortly after that it became permanent. When the day came that you were going to officially become my dad and adopt me, I was so confused.It was the best/worst day of my life. I didn’t understand why my other dad didn’t want me anymore. It made me sad. I realized something huge that day. I lost a dad that didn’t care about me, didn’t love me. But, I gained a dad that had an endless amount of love and care to give me. A dad that loved watching me succeed and become a better person every day. A dad that was proud of me no matter what. Over the years you have become my best friend. The person that I tell everything to. Even when you don’t care to hear about my girl drama, you always listen. We may not be blood, but you will always be my dad ❤

So, thank you

Thank you for coming into my life when I needed you the most

Thank you for always sticking around

Thank you for taking me in and raising me like I was your own

I wouldn’t be me without a dad like you

It is okay not to be okay

You wake up in the morning with the same routine

Drink a coffee

Brush your teeth

Brush your hair

Start your vehicle

Get dressed

You go to school and greet everyone with the same fake smile

Same as every other day

You try to convince them that you are okay

You try your hardest every single day to not let anyone see your pain

But, you are not okay

And that is okay

Quit pretending to be someone that you are not

Quit hiding

Reach out to the people around you

Get the help you need

You are somebody’s whole world

You are loved

Fight for the people around you

But more importantly

Fight for yourself

To the father that left me:

When you left me

You took

My smile

My laugh

My childhood

My innocence

You took everything from me

You broke me

I tried over and over again

to put myself back together

I tried to fill the hole you left in my heart

With people that were unworthy

Of my love

People that were just like you

People that would leave me

Hurt me

Even though you left

You still have the power to control me

So please don’t try to come back

I will let you

And it will break me even more

Stranger

I enter my bedroom

Staring at the full length mirror on my closet door

The person staring back at me

Is not me

The person staring back at me

Is a stranger

Someone I no longer recognize

Someone who is full of pain

Full of sorrow

Full of misery

When did I let this happen?

4/18/19 (2)

I sit in the car with my friends

Trying to hide the pain written all over my face

Trying to make sure they won’t notice the tears

Dwelling inside my eyes

“Breathe”

I tell myself

“Everything will be okay”

I say goodbye to my friends

Trying to memorize their faces

As I thought I would be looking at them for the last time

I smile

“I love you”

I tell them as I shut the door and walk away

 

The night I lost myself

It was a cold spring night. Maybe a little too cold to be having a fire. I could see my breathe whenever I exhaled. I was breathing

heavily because I was upset. I was upset because I felt so alone, even when surrounded by people… With each beer I drank

I became sadder and sadder. The thought was in the back of mind. But that thought was always there. I never thought I would be

thrown over the edge so far that I wouldn’t be able to come back. That the thought would become so overpowering it could move my

own body against my will. That I wouldn’t be able to stop myself. 

    I got home from the party and went straight to my room already knowing what I was going to do. I grabbed my pill bottle that I

have stared at so many times before. I dumped the bottle into my hand… When I put those pills in my hand I had so many 

thoughts come to mind. I thought to myself. 

 “This will cure me.”

 “This will cure everyone of me.”

 “I won’t be in any more pain.”

 “I will never have to look in the mirror and have a complete stranger staring back at me.” 

“I can never hurt anyone ever again, and no one can hurt me…”

     In that moment between dumping the pills in my hand and then taking all 24 of them at once, I didn’t care about anyone or

anything. I didn’t care about all of my friends that loved me so much. That would do anything for me. I didn’t care about my huge

family that have spent the years watching me grow into this “amazing” person that I am. I didn’t care about the teachers that have

taught me everything I know and want so badly for me to succeed. I didn’t care about my sisters whom look up to me every single

day. They look at me and see this person that is so strong. This person that can handle everything thrown at her. This person that

I have tried so hard to be my whole life. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t handle pretending to be this strong independent person

that everyone believed that I was. I laid in my bed staring at my ceiling. Wondering how I could let this happen. How I could let

myself get this low. I text my few close friends that I have. I told them that I was sorry. I told them that I couldn’t do it anymore. I

couldn’t handle the constant pain. The constant fight to stay alive. I could feel myself starting to fade away. I could feel myself

letting go. I thought I was finally free.

    I woke up to a loud crashing noise and running sounds. I see one of my friends bust through my door. Turns out not all of my

friends were asleep yet… I could see the fear in her eyes. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t even get my words out. She drug me to the

bathroom and tried to get me to puke. I was trying to beg her to stop. I didn’t want her to save me. She left the room for a few

minutes. She came back in with my dad trailing behind her. I could see the heartbreak in his eyes. I could hear the pain in his voice.

My body was numb. I couldn’t feel anything, move anything…

I woke up in the ER begging the doctors not to save me. Begging them to just let me go. I started fading out again. But this time it

felt different. My breathing slowed. I could feel my heart beating in a way it never had before. I thought to myself. “Is this it?

Is this what dying feels like?” and then everything went black.

    The next time I woke up I was on an airplane. A lady was shining a light in my eyes, asking if I was okay. We landed in Billings.

I had accepted the fact that I wasn’t going to die. Even though I wanted to so badly. I knew it wasn’t going to happen. So I started

cracking jokes. Acting like I was fine. Doing and saying all of the right things to get me out of there. They took me to my room

after putting what seemed like a million needles in my body. I woke up to a phone call from my best friend. I could tell she was

crying. The pain in her voice broke me. I knew that I had to be stronger for the people that cared about me. That I needed to get

help. That I could never let myself get that low ever again. 

Word spread fast. I had hundreds of messages. I knew that people cared about me. But having all those people that didn’t know

anything about me tell me how much they loved me and needed me around was overwhelming. I never wanted anyone’s pity.

I never wanted anyone to feel bad for me. 

    I was scared to go home and face everyone. I was scared that they would treat me differently. That they would look at me like

I was broken. I was afraid of the people that would say that this was all for attention. 

    I would never wish this disease on anyone. This kind of pain. The feeling of being so worthless. So unloved.This entire experience taught me a huge lesson in life. Depression is a disease that can’t be cured, and that it is in fact okay not

to be okay. That asking for help does not make you “weak”. It taught me who my real friends were. And I learned who will be there,

right by my side through everything. It has been almost three months since I tried to take my own life. And I can finally say that I am

getting better and that I am learning to love myself more and more every day.