#4

Coming to Miles City was a huge risk for me. I knew that this move would either make or break me. I just spent my first night on campus, I really enjoy the people I have met so far. Something is wrong though. I miss softball. I have spent my entire life focussed on this sport. I was able to play at my previous college. But I can’t play here. I don’t really know what to do with myself at this point. I don’t want to fall into a pit of depression again. I am trying to stay positive. I am starting to second guess myself on this move. Maybe I made this decision out of anger. Maybe I didn’t think it through all the way. I could be playing in Williston, and I could be with all of my friends. I miss my friends. I have no doubt that I will make amazing friends here, but I have to leave my room to do that. I am at a loss right now. I can’t be sad because then I won’t even give this place a shot at making me happy.

loss

After the first day with you I knew

I knew I was going to be happy

For the first time ever

I had never felt that way before

You healed me

I wanted it all with you

Everything about you was so perfect to me

Your bright blue eyes

Your perfect smile

The way my hand fit into yours

The way you kissed me

The way you looked at me

The sound of your voice

There is no other girl that could compare to you

And then you left

With no hesitation

You left me

Forcing me back into a pit of darkness

Trying to be okay without you

Trying to put the pieces back together

That you broke

I didn’t just lose a significant other

I lost a friend

Someone that I trusted with everything

Someone I could talk to every day

How am I supposed to forgive you for this?

Her

I wake up in the middle of the night

The first thing that crosses my mind

Is you

I wonder if you are awake too

I go back to sleep and when I wake up again

It is still you

When I am in the middle of my day

You are still on my mind

I try so hard to push you out

You don’t care about me

If you did you would be here still

At night is when it hits me the hardest

I want to talk to you

Hear your voice

They say the first thing you forget about someone is their voice

It is the truth

I can’t remember

I want to check up on you

Make sure you are okay

I keep myself busy at night

Forcing you out of my mind takes a lot of effort

I am tired of thinking about you

And I am even more tired of missing you

?

Maybe other people can relate with this as well. It happens to me all the time. I have a very happy personality when I am around other people. Boys take it as I am flirting with them. I am not. I will go to a party and boys will hit on me, I immediately inform them that I am gay and I have no interest in being anything more than friends. Some understand. Others take it as an opportunity to try and “change” me. So, this next part is directed at the boys that have done this to me. Why? Why do you keep putting your hands on me after I already told you no? Why are you asking me why I have to be gay? It’s not something I can control. Why do you come up to me multiple times and grab me inappropriately to whisper in my ear “are you sure you don’t want it”? Why do you think it is ever okay to place your hands on my body? Even better, why would you ever attempt to put your hands in a girls shirt or pants without consent? My most important question for these boys that did this to me. Are you aware what sexual assault and sexual harassment is? It is truly disgusting. No means no. Not “well maybe if you touch me more it will make me rethink my sexuality and i’ll sleep with you”. That is not a thing. You feeling me up is not “turning me on”. It is actually making me so uncomfortable and so scared. It is making me want to leave and go cry because you are touching me in ways I do not wish to be touched by you. It is giving me the worst anxiety. Making me have terrible thoughts about myself because I am to weak to fight you off. I can’t push you away from me. So. No. You can not change me. And even if I was straight. I would never go for a guy that is as disgusting as you.

last day

Today is my last day at Williston State College. My last day with my best-friends. Leaving here was not an easy decision, it was actually the hardest one I have ever made in my life. I don’t want to leave and start all over. I am going to a new college where I will have zero friends. I won’t have someone that I can just show up to their room at random to hangout. I won’t have someone that I can talk to and trust. Or at least not for a while. None of this was easy for me. I know that it is what is best for me, and my friends at WSC know that as well. I am scared. For the first time in a very long time, I am scared. Being in Miles City is going to be a huge change for me. Not knowing or trusting anyone around me is going to be a huge change. But, I am also sort of excited for all of this. I can be whoever I want to be, it is a fresh start. When I go there I hope that I stick with all of my goals that I made for myself, but who knows.

to new beginnings

I have had a week. I can feel myself falling into that same place I was last year. It is starting to worry me. And I know it is worrying the people that care about me too. I also know that none of them will confront me about it because I am very hot headed right now. I feel like I have lost everything. I lost softball, which is the most important thing in my life. It was my only stress reliever. I have to transfer schools now too. Which means i am losing all of my friends. I have never been closer with a group of people. I love each and every one of them so much, more than I love myself even. leaving them is going to really suck. I know that I need to do this though, it is what is best for me. I have never done anything for me. I don’t even know if I am making the right choice here. I just want to feel happy again. This move could really help me. But, this move could also destroy me.

mental health

you know when people say the whole “right person wrong time” thing? I have never understood that until now. Because, if that person is so right then how could it be wrong timing? I get that now. I have always had really bad mental health. I don’t think that I have ever loved myself. I have always focused all of my time on the people around me because if I think about myself for too long bad things will happen. I am scared to be sober because I can’t think about myself. Being in my own head is a dangerous thing. And then I met someone incredible, but it truly was bad timing. I can’t be with anyone until I can love myself for who I am. I finally am ready to better myself. Maybe this person won’t be around when I achieve that goal. But, it is a big step realizing that I need to do this. And I am doing it for myself, and I am realizing that that is not a selfish thing. I have an entire plan for how I am going to do this. And I can’t wait to share my progress with all of you ❤