I always try to find the good in people, even when there is clearly none in them. It has always been a flaw of mine. I will let people walk all over me. More than once too. I give out way to many second chances. To people that do not deserve them. Does that make me weak or does that make me strong? Or maybe that all makes me really dumb. Everyone makes dumb decisions sometimes. Everyone forgives someone that has crushed them at one point. But, when is it time to cut those people off? The people that hurt you. Maybe I am weak. Maybe I somehow believe that I need them, that I can’t be me without them. So I let them back into my life with no hesitation. But, I can also make an argument on how that makes me strong. That I am able to forgive people for hurting me. I am strong for being able to listen to their apology and let them back into my life. That can also make me really dumb of course. It’s not like I could ever forget what those people have done to me. Maybe I am just afraid of being abandoned. I always ask people how many times they will let the same person hurt them. Maybe I should start asking myself that question too.
eliminating you
Today is the day
Today is the day that I am done giving you “second chances”
Today is the day that I move on
I will get over you
I will be okay without you
I am done being sad over a person like you
Today is the day that I eliminate you from my life
9/27/19
I didn’t think it would ever be possible to change this much in one year. Today is my 19th birthday and I am a completely different person than who I was at 18. I went to a party on the 26, and as midnight kept creeping closer, I realized how huge this year was for me. It was the worst/best year of my life. I was outed, which was something I thought was only talked about but never actually happened to people. I pushed through it and accepted myself for who I was. Being forced out of the closet was the best thing for me. I also went through a lot of rough patches with my depression. I didn’t think I was going to make it to 19, it all just seemed too hard. There were days where the suicidal thought would hit me like trucks. But, here I am. I made it out. I fell in love. Granted, this was with someone who did not deserve me in their life, but it was amazing (for a little while anyways). I had my first heartbreak. this could probably fall under the depression category, but it is something I will never forget. It is something I never want to forget because now I know the red flags and I know when it is time to leave and take care of myself. This year has been full of ups and downs for me. I want to thank my friends, starting with my high school friends. Thank you for your patience, I know it was hard on all of you too. Thank you for sticking around through all of my rough patches and loving me unconditionally when I didn’t know how to love myself. Thank you for protecting me throughout the years and for accepting me for who I am. And now to my college friends. I have known you for a little over a month and I already know I can trust you with anything that ever happens. thank you for making my 19th the best one yet.
you
Just like any normal day
I ended my night telling you that
I loved you
As usual
You smiled
You smiled that perfect smile
With those perfect dimples
You told me that you loved me too
But I meant that I am IN love with you
But you love her
I try to move on to other people
But they are not you
You are the first person I think about when I wake up
You are the only person that I want
Trust
You asked me if I trusted you
I told you yes
I told you that was why
I knew you were going to hurt me
You told me that would never happen
You told me that you cared about me
Was I that easy to leave?
WSC
I have officially been at college for one week! I was really nervous about coming. So nervous I felt sick on move in day. I have 7 roommates and I only personally knew one of them. It was scary. All of my roommates are on the softball team, and my senior year of softball did not go well for me. So I was scared that I wasn’t going to get along with them or that they wouldn’t like me. After hanging out for an hour I knew I was so wrong. These girls are some of the best friends that I have ever had in my life. I would trust them with absolutely anything. And I already have. They know pretty much everything about me. I have never had a more accepting group of friends. After one week of knowing them, I couldn’t imagine not having a single one of them in my life. We are together almost all day every day. We do everything together. We are all constantly laughing and having fun. I never get sick of them. We could be dancing, singing, crying, or even napping. It’s always the best time. Softball is really fun with them too. They are all so supportive. I know that when I make a mistake I am not going to have someone immediately talking shit and making side comments. And that is really comforting. I truly look up to each and every one of them. They make school fun and exciting. I know that whatever happens to me this year, I can trust them to have my back and make me feel better.
Moving on
I never realized
How painful it would be
To have to listen to you
Talk about someone that wasn’t me
I never realized
How hard it would be
To have to look at you
Smiling so brightly
Just because you thought of her
I never realized
How hard I fell
Until I had to witness you do these things
I never realized
How hard it would be
To move on
Fear
Try waking up in the middle of the night out of dead sleep from a phone call from your other half
Your best friend
Crying and begging you for help
When you are so helpless
When you are to far away to reach them
Not knowing wether they will be okay or not
Trying to get them to keep talking
Only to hear their voice slowly fading away
Try getting into your vehicle
Fighting off the immenint tears
Speeding down the highway
Not knowing if you will make it to their side on time
Try getting to the hospital in record time
Sprinting into the building
To see the one person you love
Lying on the bed motionless
A million thoughts rush to your mind
Was I too late?
You wish you could take their pain away
You wish you could help them
But you can’t
All you can do is hold them and pray
Pray that they come back to you
And when they do
You will never want to let them go
time
Time. I don’t understand time. How much time should I put into you? I don’t want to give you all my time because you could hurt me. With time comes effort, obviously. So how much of that should I give to you too? Do I make my effort obvious? If I am too obvious then you will know how I feel, and if you don’t feel the same then it would ruin everything we already have. Do I attempt to hide it? I’v been doing that, and I think you know it too. Maybe you don’t know it and I have hidden it so much that you think I am not interested at all and that’s why you put your own time and effort into others. I don’t understand what you want from me or what I want from you. I want you to be happy, but even more I want you to be happy with me. Is that selfish of me? I have been hurt so many times before, I don’t want to go through it all again. If I let myself I could fall so hard for you. But, I don’t know how. How am I supposed to open myself up to you and make my self vulnerable? When is the right time to do that? When is the right time to “man up” and allow you to know what is going on inside my head? When am I supposed to tell you I have never looked at you as just a friend?
Demons.
We all have them
They come out on those days where nothing seems to be going right
When we feel alone
When we feel weak
We try to tell ourselves that we are just hurting
That what we are doing won’t matter
Because it isn’t really us
We all have our demons
And we are all responsible for what happens
When we let them out
Me vs small town 