Today I am sad. Today I am missing you like crazy. It is taking all I have to not pick up my phone and call you. I know you wouldn’t answer. I know that you don’t care. And it hurts so bad. How can you not care about me? How can you be doing okay when I am barely holding it together. I miss you. I want to talk to you. But I can’t. And it’s not my choice, it’s yours.

Ive been getting small flashbacks of that night. that feeling of being so worthless. Like I was a huge waste of space. I hate that I let you make me feel that way. I hate even more that You don’t care. When I needed you the most. You were nowhere to be found. You didn’t want to be there. And neither did I. So I wrote you a letter. i put it in my pocket for it to be mailed when the time came for me to go. I grabbed every bottle I could find. Without an ounce of hesitation, I took them. It was the only time I felt at peace during those last few days. How messed up is that? that one person can have that much power over someone. I went to sleep with every intent on not waking up the next morning. I remember it all going black. And then I woke up. Scared and alone a day and a half later on an airplane. I knew Exactly where I was going. I remember the first emotion I felt. Anger. Why couldn’t they just let me go? It was what I wanted. I called you when I was there. I know you knew it was me. I left you a message. I died. And you didn’t even care enough to check in on me? You broke me.

I am physically ill thinking about the way that you treated me and if you truly think that that was okay then you are a foul person. our relationship was beautiful and full of love and laughter. to go through what seemed like a perfect weekend with me ant hen get home to our bed and look at me and say “I am not in love with you and I haven’t been for a while” that is beyond fucked up. and then that is the only reason I get? nothing else. in your eyes. that was enough. I was just supposed to get up, say okay, and leave. how is that even logical to you. you said a lot but in all little ways. like you were hiding something. I knew you were hiding something. i fucking knew it. how dare you. the one man I have always told you made me super uncomfortable because i knew he wanted you. thats who you chose because “I just wanted to” fuck you for that answer. i deserved so much better than that. i deserved so much better than all of this. and then i find out you in fact have been sleeping at his house since the day I left? it took you one day to crawl into bed with someone. i thought you were always speed texting your parents but you weren’t. it was him. you call him too. You are so selfish for that. not once did you consider me. i was everything to you. you loved me. you started a family with me. it was supposed to be us. But one morning, instead of choosing to love me. you chose him. of all the fucking people in the world you chose him. you made our relationship a joke. you made me feel so little. you told people that i was crazy. you did this to me. you are the reason that our kids will never see each other again. i hope you have a great life with the man you cheated on me with. i mean i’ve heard the allegations against him. you two will create an amazing pair.

I woke up this morning with the smallest fraction of happiness

But then I remebered.

When I open my eyes,

you aren’t going to be there.

I thought nightmares only happened when one was sleeping,

But my worst nightmare is only happening while I am awake.

Sleep is the only time I can get you off my mind.

I want to never wake up,

I want to never open my eyes.

Today I am sad. But before I get in to that, I will tell you the small victories that i made. my biggest one, I have not cried today. I made it an entire day without crying. This could be because I have spent the majority of my day in bed hungover and sleeping. But I am going to count it anyways! Another victory. I didn’t really try to talk to her. It was hard. But I resisted. I also resisted talking about my heartbreak all day today. This was even harder because of how sad I am, but I did it. I made myself a doctors appointment so that I can get on some anxiety and depression pills. I am also hoping to get some sleeping pills. But I assume that one is a long shot since they could kill me.

Now for why I am sad. I miss the life I had a week ago. Or I guess the life that I thought I had. I have been reading self help shit. And it told me to go look in a mirror and smile. I did that and I saw something I didn’t expect. I recognized the person staring back at me. An old version of me. I saw the pain in my eyes and the bags beneath them. I saw a smile that had no emotion in it. I don’t want to be that person again. I just was to be okay. I am so sick of being sad. Which brings me to my existing question. How the hell do I fall out of love with this girl? I keep looking at the 11:11 tattoo on my arm. I got it so that I could make a wish whenever I want. That is my wish. I want to forget the last two years. I want to go back in time and stay in Williston. It’s hard to say that because of all of the amazing memories that I had with her. But now all of those memories only bring me pain.

I go back to work tomorrow so maybe that will be great for me. I will stay busy all day.